Is it wrong to walk away from a family member on their death bed?
I stayed away, moved, did not contact or stick my hand out at Christmas or anything, I broke clean and declared him dead then.
He got prostate cancer since then, it spread into his bones, liver, ect.
My stepmother went to my old roommates house, he called me, put her on the phone and she tried to guilt trip me, I told her i would not come and they both had made this choice and hung up.
I feel i made the right choice, knowing what my father has done in the past and what a hypocrite he is, I dont believe me going to his death bed would be a healthy thing for me.
I am catching flack for this choice from family members, so i am asking for opinions.
Thanks
Thanks to those of you who responded.
I know that death is forever, and i also have gone through death with my mother, so i know.
I’ve decided after a lot of thought, to not see him and just go on with my life, my brothers are upset because they think he can not die in peace, but i think he can, and its not my problem if he doesn’t die in peace.
I was going to send him a letter that basically said go in peace, i wont be coming. but my brothers told me not too because it won’t help, so my father will have no word from me.
Any way thank you to those that responded.
By: rough_master2001
Tags: 4 Months, Death Bed, Step Mother
October 27th, 2009 at 18:47
say goodbye even if it a few seconds just let him know u care!
October 30th, 2009 at 14:58
you have to talk to him its better now then never
November 1st, 2009 at 08:56
2 wrongs dont make a right, I think if you go say goodbye and forgive him for the way he has treated you, you will have more peace within. Good Luck…..
November 1st, 2009 at 19:12
I guess it depends on what he did to you, but maybe he wants to apologize before he dies and make peace with you. Maybe seeing him will make you angry but you will be sure you’ll never feel guilty for not seeing him.
November 2nd, 2009 at 05:27
i think you should go seem him, at least once before he passes. if you don’t you will probably regret it once he has died.
November 5th, 2009 at 03:28
Your father probably wants to make peace with you since he is on his death bed. It would say a lot about your character if you buried the hatchet and went to see him. It would also prevent you from feeling the guilt later if you had not gone to see him.
November 7th, 2009 at 20:41
My best advice to you is that if you think this will not ***** you up in the head years from now with guilt (which by the sounds of things I don’t think it will)…then you have an obligation to be true to yourself above all others
good Luck
November 10th, 2009 at 06:46
Don’t go for anybody else,but go for yourself. living everyday with regret is torture.
November 11th, 2009 at 10:43
I would say just go to say your goodbye. Your pops is gonna die one time and when he’s gone he ain’t coming back. I just hope you don’t let your ego make a big mistake. Would you want to see your children on your deathbed?
November 13th, 2009 at 00:08
Your father made his choice, and you made yours, and now he has regrets. Can you not at least reach out and let him die in peace? We are none of us perfect. His attempt to contact you shows he has regrets and would like to ask you for forgiveness before he dies. If you think you can let this go by without another thought, then you do not have to go.
I saw my mother do this same thing to her mother and behave as if her mother meant nothing to her, and my husband died without making peace with his mother. I have had many problems with my own mother, but I have made peace with her. I do not want to cause anyone any uneeded pain. Everyone handles their own pain differently, so I cannot say you are wrong.
I just wanted to tell you: My own father died with the same type of cancer as yours has. I wouldn’t wish cancer and the pain they experience dying from it on my worst enemy. Try to go see him.
November 13th, 2009 at 19:13
Set aside your feelings and go to see your Dad. This may be your final goodbye and if possible you may be able to talk about the issue that drove the wedge between you two.
November 13th, 2009 at 22:04
Well I don’t know the whole story with you and your father, but it must be a really bad one. He is afterall your father no matter what sort of falling out you had and I’m sure somewhere down the road if you don’t at least go and say goodbye that you will regret it. If not going to say goodbye for his sake…..do it for your own conscience. I really do believe in Karma….
November 16th, 2009 at 16:22
I know you’re angry, but I think you should be the bigger man and see him before he dies. Let go of your anger, and perhaps reconcile with him. Of course, you have the right to be angry since he practically disowned you.
It is just healthier to at least put all the cards on the table before he dies instead of regretting it later, when perhaps it is too late.
November 20th, 2009 at 02:00
Yikes. I will just give my opinion on this. I think that if your father said that he never wanted to see you again while he was more healthy that was a bad move on his part. But I think it all boils down to the relationship that you have/had with your pops. If he was always an evil ******* towards you and treated you like **** than quite frankly I don’t think you should go see him. But if something major happened that caused this falling out maybe it’s time to forgive and forget and be with your father in his last moments. You may regret it who knows. As previously stated this is just my humble opinion.
November 22nd, 2009 at 06:46
Stay honorable, go anyway, so this way there are no regrets. Get your own hotel room, or camp, so you can leave when you want, on your own terms.
November 25th, 2009 at 00:08
Well Bro. My Lord Taught..To Be Forgiven.
You Must Forgive.
It’s Your Choice.
“DAWG”
November 25th, 2009 at 13:02
Only you know exactly how you feel. If you feel comfortable with your decision and don’t feel you will have any later regrets then stick to your guns. If you are unsure at all, then maybe make a quick appearance in a public place where you have the option to walk away. Choose the path that you think is right for you, not everyone else.
November 26th, 2009 at 22:43
I can see your hurt feelings, but personally, if it was me, I would at least go see him. We have only one father in this lifetime, and I am sure that before you had this falling out, you guys shared many happy and fun times together. He is your dad after all. How would you feel if you never got to say goodbye to him? I lost my father unexpectedly when I was 16, and to this day still feel remorse over my last sentence to him.
November 27th, 2009 at 19:42
If any time would be a good time to put the past behind you now would be the time.
You may live to regret not seeing him and spending some time with him more than regretting that you did.
This is a really tough situation that you’re in, but my opinion is you leave pain and negative past in the past the best you can and go and see your dad before it’s to late.
November 29th, 2009 at 11:06
Well yeah what he did to you is NOT RIGHT whatsoever! You moved on with your life and everything. So i think since you’re the one who seems mature here, you should just go see him because after all he is your father. Put what happend before past you and just go and see him one last time. You might end up regreting it, but it won’t be in your consience later on for not seeing your father before he passed away.
November 30th, 2009 at 05:12
ok well it might pay at least ot give him a visit, i know it might be hard but in saying that i cant help but feel a bit hypocritical … my grandmother (who i used to see all of the time) and i had a big falling out, she lived in australia and i was over there for sport and i knew she was unwell and i didnt visit her even visit her even tho my dad was pretty much trying to force me to do so. she died and i dont regret not seeing her. it depends what y you fel out with your dad… think about it- was it really so bad that he deserves to be treated this bad ??
(just so u know my grandma fucked up everybodys life i dnt even know if ud be able to understand im not sure if i do )
all the best
December 3rd, 2009 at 04:36
You know, you’ll regret this later. Very much.
Even though you’ve had (looking here) bad times with your father he still is your father. You wouldn’t exist without him.
“I never want to see you again” doesn’t help, because it’s probably his anger. When people are angry, they tend to say things that aren’t meant in the right way and aren’t meant to be said. So think carefully if you leave his deathbed.
He was in your life, you were in his. You’ll never see him again after he dies, and I’m sure going to him and sorting things out with him will make his last moment happy.
And everyone wants to be happy.
December 5th, 2009 at 17:55
the problem is if you are in fact wrong.there’s no going back on that buddy so why don’t you just go see him on his death bed after all its the least you can do the man did give you life.
December 8th, 2009 at 12:22
I think you will be sorry down the road if you don’t go and make peace with him. Swallow your pride and give your stepmother a call. She did make the first step towards making things “right” between you and your father. Life is too short for stuff like this and they’re realizing it a little late in life — but it’s not late for you.
December 9th, 2009 at 01:15
Your never going to get the chance to say goodbye more then once, if it were my real father id have to think twice because he was a really poor excuse for a dad. but I have a step father who had passed away and i never got the chance to say goodbye, either way think it over because you wont have this time ever again, good luck
December 9th, 2009 at 04:08
At the end of the day. He is your father.
As much as he has hurt or lied to you, your father is someone who cannot be replaced.
I’d say you should see him.
December 12th, 2009 at 13:32
To tell you the truth, i think you should go, and with dignity. it’s time to make up and forgive each other. maybe your father is feeling the same way you are.
Go to his death bed. he is your father, and you’ll be sorry when he’s passed away. you will never be able to say sorry or talk to him when he is gone. make sure you make a decision you won’t regret.
good luck.
December 14th, 2009 at 09:35
This is the LAST time you may ever see him. He’s your dad! You’re meant to love him, even though it’s hard at times. What about the future, when you wish you couldn’t done something for him before he died and was gone forever. You should see him, he’s your dad, he’s family, he needs you. Even if you don’t like him that much and he might not like you, it doesn’t mean he won’t be happy to see you. He loves you, it’s his job. He did the best he could to raise you, it was probably really hard on him too. But you should see him, it’s right and this could be the last time ever.
December 17th, 2009 at 17:11
You need to do what will be best for YOU! If you think that in the future you might feel guilty for not saying goodbye and having closure then by all means go. If you are merely going out of being guilted then don’t go. Your family members don’t know all the stuff about the relationship that you do so they can’t make this decision for you. I would probably at least call and say goodbye or send a card. You don’t want to wake up in 10 years and wish you had said some sort of goodbye.
December 20th, 2009 at 08:18
It’s not wrong under the circumstances. If you feel in your heart that you will not regret this choice years from now, then you should feel the confidence not to appear at his side. If other relatives are giving you a hard time, just remember their the ones that have the problem with it.
December 23rd, 2009 at 10:02
The right thing would be to allow your dad to say whatever he needs to say to you and you should know forgiveness is a powerful thing when it comes to healing. In fact the bible says for you to forgive and your Father(GOD) will forgive you so it is necessary for you.
December 26th, 2009 at 11:47
Go see your dad. Mine died while I was in Iraq, and I didnt get the chance that you are now blowing off. Dont be that guy.
December 28th, 2009 at 11:34
If I were you I will show myself to your dad - he is dying. And that’s the last gesture thing to FREE yourself from whatever guilt feeling you may have in the future. Just this one time only for the sake of being a son and a dad - - - after that there will be “no regrets” for not being there in his last minute.
December 30th, 2009 at 06:52
forgiveness is always best no matter howhardit seems. many times we say things out of anger and then we felel we cant take it back.. sometimes its stubborness too.WE all are sinners in need of grace give your father grace its only right mj
December 31st, 2009 at 21:41
That is a very tough question. Only you can decide what to do. Don’t let someone guilt you into doing something that you do not want to do. However, the experience may give you some sort of closure. You need to really sit down and think about it without involving anyones opinion. Ask yourself if this is someone you really want to see again.
January 3rd, 2010 at 09:13
I know how you may feel, but listen, when your dad dies, he dies, you’ll never be able to speak to him again. For one thing, you’ll regret not saying how much you truly love him despite everything that’s happened, and second, how do you think he’ll feel? That he never got to say goodbye to his son? I understand what your going through, but down the road, years from now, chances are you will probably feel guilty about never saying goodbye.
January 3rd, 2010 at 17:47
It is up to you and how you feel. No one should tell you what to do under these circumstances. This happen to me one time and i stayed away and i am glad that i did. Good Luck.
January 4th, 2010 at 16:38
My dad was a tough person to get along with. I got along with him pretty well and my oldest sister did, too. But he would have ‘falling out’ periods with my other three siblings from time to time.
He had nearly the exact same thing, prostate cancer that spread. He was given two months and went to a hospice. He wound up living almost four months, and that time gave both my father and my siblings the opportunity to mend fences.
I believe that your father probably has a lot of regrets. I would give him a chance, and give yourself a chance. Keep an open mind and don’t go there expecting everything to be perfect. Perhaps nothing at all has changed, but you won’t know until you try. At least you can say you tried. If you don’t make the attempt, I think you will come to regret it later on, and it will be too late to try then.
Good luck.
January 6th, 2010 at 13:35
if a close relative is in need, a person should always do what’s best to help that person, regardless of personal inconvenience. But, no person should be obligated to provide support, even if it’s a close relative.
January 8th, 2010 at 21:45
my dad was found dead left alone. just go say goodby and get on with your life, i dont think youll be sorry
January 11th, 2010 at 12:54
I walked away from my step-father who had been very abusive. I hadn’t seen him in 16 yrs. and when he was on his death bed, I didn’t go. I also didn’t go to the funeral. I haven’t any regrets about it because he was mean to me and it screwed my head up . Ifeel like you have to evaluate the situation and see if whatever happened is worthy of never seeing him again. If you were just angry with each other you might want to think about it, because sometimes people say things in the heat of anger and later regret saying it.
January 12th, 2010 at 01:12
I would probably go there just for 5 minutes to say goodbye, regardless of the past.
January 14th, 2010 at 02:47
A similar situation happened in my family. My Aunt thought my grandfather was a jerk didn’t want to say final goodbyes and even returned her portion of the inheritance but shortly after his death, she had a mental breakdown.
Don’t know if it was because of her choice but I know that personally I wouldn’t want to be haunted by what ifs and usually when people die they like to clear things up and resolve the life that they have lived.
The question is, if it were you dying…what would you want?
January 16th, 2010 at 19:01
I have a friend who’s father was meaner than hell to him when he was growing up. By the time he was 6 years old, his father used to hit him in the face with his fist and knocked him down flights of stairs. When he became an adult, he left home and never went back. Years later his father died and my friend went to the funeral. He told me the only reason he went was to make sure there was enough dirt to cover the casket.
No one has the right to judge you for your decision. People who judge you for this have not walked in your shoes.
January 19th, 2010 at 22:59
I know that u had a falling out with him and u have ur reasons 4 being angry with him. But maybe u should just go and c him once. Make sure u tell ur family that there are not going to be any strings attached. Just go u can even wait till he is sleeping to c him. I’m not saying forget everything that has happened in the past and forgive him. But even though u have declared him dead in ur life u must be feeling something since u r asking this question? I’m not saying it is remorse. But he is ur father u only have one dad. Think about it.
January 23rd, 2010 at 02:22
You’re right, bro. It won’t do you any good.
The only thing you can ask yourself is if you feel any desire or need to do it for your father. (Much different than doing it for yourself.)
Also ask yourself if you need to go in order to support someone else who you care about. Is there a sibling who could use your support even if it means seeing the old man briefly? It might be worth doing if you’re easing the burden for someone dear to you.
The other thing to consider is that once your father is dead you’ll have no more chances to talk to him. Be willing to accept those consequences if you don’t go.
I bring up these reasons to consider not to put pressure on you to go, but for you to make sure that you’re reason to stay away isn’t regretted later.
In all honesty, I’ve had to make similar decisions for several family member of mine. In the end I didn’t go to one’s death bed and I never regretted it. For the other I went to support those dealing with the crisis and not for the SOB who’s job it was to simply die. With that one I was happy at the end that I went.
January 24th, 2010 at 07:18
There’s one thing we must learn. Whatever happen in the past, is only the past. We all get mad with our family members, and say things out of anger. Your step-mother is trying to reach out to you. Your parents probably don’t understand why are still mad at them. They probably thought that could have new relationship.
Write to them a lengthy letter explaining how you feel right now, including the guilt trip she used. Invite them to respond to it. Perhaps they will make an apology to you, and sew back the unit of your family.
Please give yourself a chance to having them as your family. Whatever happen in the past God will handle the situation. It’s best if for you to express yourself before they die. God bless
January 25th, 2010 at 10:34
I lost my Dad to cancer of the liver about 15 years ago. I went home to basically nurse him to his death (for 4 months). My relationship with my family at that time was no where near as bad as in your situation, but it was not great either. The entire time I was there the family was fighting over money and other stupid stuff and they were a mess. It was not a pretty situation.
During the last months I was able to talk to my Father and apologize to him for all the terrible things I had done to him as a teenager. He forgave me and told me that those were stupid things and they are in the past.
When people are dying their thinking becomes different and so do their hearts. He may be wanting a chance to apologize to you or just to get on somewhat copacetic terms with you so he can pass peacefully without those burdens on his heart.
I would not be the same person I am today if I had not gotten the chance to talk with him about these things before he died. I could not have carried the guilt of never saying I was sorry and making my peace with him.
I think you should drop your pride and at least go talk to him so that you both can have some closure. Closure is very important to both persons. It enables us to more freely move on and past these things.
The worst that can happen is that you still disagree but you can at least know in your heart that you gave it a try. I think that would be eminently easier to sleep with at the end of the day than to never have tried to make peace at all.
Please go see him for at least one more time. Even pray for him. It will bring you peace in the long run. If you don’t do it you may find yourself regretting some day that you did not go to him and it will be too late to take it back or ever do it again.
That’s just my opinion. I hope that you are able to find that closure with him and that you last memories of him are more kind than otherwise. Take Care!
January 28th, 2010 at 06:49
I suggest that you go see him. Either now or never because when he is dead you will miss him. You may **** him now but that doesn’t give you a reason to not say goodbye. Even if it is a little time, then maybe you can tell him goodbye and that you care about him. You have only one true father that you have known in you life, while some people had no father at all Take me for example, I have no idea whether or not he is alive. So say goodbye while you can because you shall feel guilty later
January 28th, 2010 at 23:06
My husband went through the same type of thing. He walked away from his dad, and a few years later, his dad passed. He never got the chance to even see if he could put the past behind him. He now lives with the regret of not knowing if the relationship could even be mended. He tells me all the time that if he went back for only one minute, then he would have known. The uncertianty of the whole situation haunts him. Did his dad die hating him, or did he die loving him? He will never know, but you have the chance to find out. If you go, and it doesn’t work, at least you will know for sure. A terminal issue such as cancer puts a lot of things in perspective. He might want to see you to let bigones be bigones. If you are worried about this at all try a phone call. If he wants to talk to you let him tell you. that is the easiest way to test the waters. Many times a phone conversation is easier that a face to face talk. If that goes well then go see him. Please make sure you know how he feels and then you will have the peace of knowing. Don’t let his wife influence your decision at all. you can work on that at a later date. Don’t talk to him through her, but at least call him. the regret you will feel if you dont will haunt you as it has done my husband.